Demisexuality: What It Is and How to Identify It

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where sexual attraction develops exclusively after forming a deep emotional bond with someone. This means individuals do not experience initial sexual interest but rather develop it through connection and understanding over time.

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by experiencing sexual attraction only after forming an emotional connection with another person. This means demisexual individuals do not feel sexually attracted to someone unless they have already established a close emotional bond.

If you identify with the following characteristics, you might be demisexual:

• You do not feel sexually attracted to anyone unless you first form an emotional bond with them.
• It takes you longer than most people to develop feelings of sexual attraction.
• You are generally only sexually attracted to people who are already close friends.
• You are more interested in intimacy than solely sexual activity.
• You find it difficult to feel sexually attracted to someone you do not know well.
• You are often only sexually attracted to one person at a time.

It is important to remember that there is no single correct way to experience sexual attraction. Not identifying with all these characteristics does not invalidate your identity. Sexuality is fluid, meaning attractions and orientations can evolve over time.

Several public figures identify as demisexual, including:

• Evan Rachel Wood: The actress publicly identified as demisexual in 2011, stating she doesn’t “really feel sexual attraction” unless she’s “emotionally connected to someone.”
• Shailene Woodley: She has discussed her experience as a demisexual woman, noting that it takes her a significant amount of time to develop romantic feelings for someone.
• Megan Fox: The actress has shared that she is only sexually attracted to “one person in her life.”

Demisexuality vs. Panromanticism

Understanding demisexuality also involves distinguishing it from other orientations. Panromanticism is a romantic orientation defined by the capacity to feel romantic attraction towards individuals of any gender. In contrast, demisexuality is a sexual orientation where sexual attraction emerges only after an emotional bond is established. Both orientations highlight a non-automatic form of attraction, with demisexuality focusing on sexual attraction and panromanticism on romantic attraction, independent of gender.

Is Being Demisexual an Issue?

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being demisexual. It is simply a sexual orientation characterized by the absence of automatic sexual attraction. Some individuals may perceive it as an issue if they feel they are not “normal” or “attractive enough,” but demisexuality is a valid and natural part of human diversity. Embracing your sexuality and being proud of who you are is essential.

The Demisexual Flag

The demisexual flag was created in 2010 by a user on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) website. The flag features three stripes: grey, black, and purple. The grey stripe represents those who do not experience sexual attraction; the black stripe signifies those who do not experience romantic attraction; and the purple stripe denotes individuals who only experience romantic and sexual attraction after establishing a strong emotional connection.

For further reading on demisexuality and related topics, consider exploring these resources:

• The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker
• Asexuality: The Hidden Sexual Orientation by Anthony Bogaert
• Understanding Asexuality by Lori Brotto and Morag Yule

These books offer excellent insights into demisexuality and the broader asexual spectrum.