Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Attraction
Understanding the distinction between sexual desire and sexual attraction is crucial for comprehending human sexuality. This article clarifies these two often-confused concepts, highlighting their differences and implications across various sexual experiences and orientations.
Key Differences Between Sexual Desire and Sexual Attraction
Before delving into specifics, it’s essential to define related concepts: **sexual orientation** and **gender expression**. Sexual orientation describes the gender(s) to which one is primarily attracted (e.g., heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual). It’s important to differentiate this from mere preferences (like favoring intelligent people or blondes), which are not orientations but specific characteristic preferences. Gender expression refers to how individuals outwardly present their gender through behaviors, clothing, and mannerisms, often aligning with societal norms of “masculine” or “feminine.”
What is Sexual Attraction?
**Sexual attraction** is the feeling of being “turned on” or sexually drawn to a specific person. It signifies that someone possesses qualities that evoke a sexual interest. This attraction is always directed at an individual and is **involuntary**, meaning it cannot be controlled, increased, or decreased by conscious will.
What is Sexual Desire?
**Sexual desire** can be understood as the **urge or wanting to engage in sexual activity**. This encompasses a broad range of sexual practices, from intercourse with a partner to individual activities like masturbation.
How to Distinguish Between Both
While sexual attraction and desire often co-occur, they are distinct and can exist independently.
- Sexual desire is not always present, even in the presence of someone sexually attractive. For example, one might be attracted to their partner but not feel desire at a particular moment. Desire can also be impersonal; it doesn’t always need a specific target, as seen with spontaneous morning erections that can lead to masturbation without a specific person initiating the desire.
- Crucially, sexual desire is modifiable. It can be stimulated (e.g., by watching pornography) or reduced (e.g., by consciously thinking about unappealing things). This modifiability allows for impulse control.
- In contrast, sexual attraction is not voluntarily modifiable. Although attraction can fluctuate over time due to new information about a person, habituation, or evolving personal tastes, these changes are involuntary. One cannot consciously decide to become attracted to someone they weren’t previously or stop being attracted to someone they are.
Consider an individual struggling with infidelity: a therapist can help them manage and reduce their sexual desire towards an affair partner to prevent acting on impulses, but they cannot eliminate the underlying sexual attraction.
The Flawed Concept of Conversion Therapy
Understanding the unchangeable nature of **sexual attraction** clarifies why so-called **conversion therapy** is ineffective and harmful. Historically, non-heterosexual orientations were wrongly classified as mental illnesses. Conversion therapy aimed to “cure” these “deviations” by attempting to alter an individual’s sexual attraction.
However, as established, sexual attraction is not voluntarily modifiable. Leading professional organizations, including the American Psychological Association (APA), have repeatedly stated there is no scientific evidence that sexual orientation or attraction can be changed, nor do they endorse such interventions.
Conversion therapy tactics often focused on creating aversion to same-sex individuals, using ethically questionable techniques. This resulted in profound distress and avoidance rather than a genuine shift in attraction. Individuals subjected to these practices often experienced severe psychological damage, including increased rates of depression and suicidal ideation, illustrating the dangers of attempting to suppress an immutable aspect of one’s identity.
The Case of Asexuality
**Asexuality** provides a clear illustration of the distinction between desire and attraction. Asexual individuals experience little to no **sexual attraction** to others, regardless of gender.
However, being asexual does not mean a lack of romantic attraction or the inability to feel sexual desire. Many asexual individuals can fall in love (experiencing romantic attraction) and may choose to engage in sexual activity. They can experience sexual desire, masturbate, and have sexual fantasies. The absence of attraction to others does not prevent them from enjoying sex or having fulfilling relationships.
It is vital to recognize asexuality as a valid sexual orientation, not a psychological disorder or a problem with low sexual desire. Like other orientations, asexuality reflects a natural variation in human experience, challenging preconceived notions of what constitutes “normal” sexuality.