How Does Masturbation Change When You Have a Partner?
Masturbation within a stable relationship often sparks questions about fidelity and satisfaction. This article addresses common myths surrounding self-stimulation, emphasizing its role in self-knowledge and how it can coexist, and even enhance, partnered intimacy.
Masturbation and Self-Knowledge
Masturbation involves the stimulation of genitals and other erogenous zones to achieve sexual pleasure, frequently leading to orgasm. It serves as a vital practice for self-exploration, allowing individuals to discover their unique erotic preferences, boundaries, and sensations. This personal discovery is intimately linked to sexual well-being.
Historically, Western society and culture have imbued masturbation with a sense of guilt, fostering myths that label it as forbidden. This has often led to feelings of shame among those who engage in or consider the practice.
True sexual health extends beyond the absence of sexual dysfunction; it embraces an attitude that allows for full enjoyment of sexuality, free from guilt, anxiety, or fear. Engaging in sexual behaviors should always be respectful, tolerant, and without risk to oneself or others.
Debunking Popular Masturbation Myths
1. “If I have a partner, I can’t masturbate because I’m being unfaithful.”
This myth significantly hinders individuals from exploring their erotic selves, which, in turn, can prevent them from effectively communicating their preferences—how, where, and with what intensity they enjoy touch—to their partner.
Self-stimulation is a valuable practice for self-knowledge and self-esteem. It is a private and intimate form of self-love and self-care. Masturbation is entirely unrelated to fidelity or disrespect towards a partner; it pertains to individual privacy and personal time, which remains essential even within a relationship. It is simply one of many sexual practices, capable of being just as pleasurable and satisfying as any other.
From a couple’s perspective, engaging in masturbation together can be highly beneficial, enriching the relationship by offering visual insights into a partner’s preferred stimulation. Since not all bodies respond identically, understanding individual preferences through shared exploration is key.
This cultural myth often prevents couples from considering shared erotic practices like mutual masturbation, as they may not be part of their perceived “acceptable” sexual repertoire.
It’s important to clarify that joint masturbation doesn’t mean agreeing to everything proposed or liking every aspect. Open, assertive communication without taboos is crucial for sexual partners to express what they wish to explore for mutual pleasure and what makes them uncomfortable, ensuring respect and acceptance of boundaries.
2. “If my partner masturbates, it’s because I don’t satisfy them.”
As previously stated, self-stimulation of various body parts is a free and intimate practice. Masturbation is a distinct and unique sexual activity, holding equal importance to other erotic practices like oral sex, penetration, skin-to-skin massage, using sex toys, or kissing. Each offers different forms of satisfaction to those who enjoy them.
Therefore, this myth is unfounded. A partner can experience high satisfaction from shared sexual practices while still desiring personal, intimate masturbation as another gratifying component of their sexual repertoire. It does not imply a lack of satisfaction from their partner.
3. “Masturbation is only for those with low sexual activity.”
The frequency of sexual encounters is often overemphasized, with coitus sometimes erroneously deemed the most important act. This perspective inadvertently perpetuates the myth that penetration is the ultimate sexual practice for all couples, and that masturbation is a symptom of insufficient partnered sexual activity.
While a connection might exist in some cases, it is not a constant or universal rule. Consequently, it cannot be asserted that someone masturbates solely due to low sexual activity with their partner. As with the previous myth, one can be deeply satisfied with their coupled sexual life and still cherish private moments of self-pleasure.
4. “Masturbation is only for when penetrative sex isn’t possible.”
Consider the example of masturbation for persons with vulvas, regardless of sexual orientation. This practice can involve vaginal penetration, occur without vaginal penetration, focus on clitoral stimulation, or engage other body zones. Given the diversity of human bodies and pleasure responses, the methods are as varied as individuals themselves.
Therefore, it makes little sense to assert that self-stimulation is valid only when penetrative sex is unavailable. For many, personal erotic exploration may never include penetration, or it may incorporate it alongside other forms of pleasure.
5. “We shouldn’t talk about it.”
Sexuality, and masturbation in particular, often carries a shroud of guilt, making it a taboo topic that “shouldn’t be discussed.” How, then, can a specific practice like masturbation be openly addressed?
Historically, masturbation has suffered from negative connotations due to myths that fabricated harmful consequences, aiming to instill fear and deter the practice. Today, we understand these negative claims are unfounded. It is encouraged to engage in open dialogue with your partner to clarify desired sexual practices, explore new discoveries, or communicate what you are not yet ready to try.
What Happens When We Want to Include a Sex Toy in Individual Masturbation, but Also Want Our Partner to Participate?
After dispelling common myths about masturbation, let’s explore how to introduce a sex toy into individual masturbation and, if mutually desired, involve a partner.
The variety of sex toys is vast, mirroring the diversity of erotic fantasies, sexual tastes, and avenues for pleasure. As an example, we’ll discuss ejaculating dildos, a toy many envision for both personal and shared use. If you wish to use such a toy with a partner, here are some tips for proposing it:
Clearly and verbally ask your partner if they would like to use it.
Once both parties agree, it’s recommended to negotiate several aspects:
- What is the best way to use it?
- What are each person’s fantasies involving this type of product?
- Who wants to use it on their body?
- And any other personalized questions the couple might have based on their tastes and boundaries.
Points 1 and 2 should ideally occur before purchasing any product.
Any erotic practice shared with another person can expose vulnerability and fragility. Therefore, open communication with your partner on these topics is essential to build mutual trust, deepen intimacy, and enhance feelings of security.