Emotional Blackmail: A Destructive Form of Manipulation in Relationships
Emotional blackmail and other forms of psychological manipulation can unfortunately be prevalent in romantic relationships, friendships, and family dynamics. The emotional blackmailer acts solely in their own interest, inducing guilt, discomfort, and fear in the victim. This behavior creates a vicious cycle rooted in guilt, making it difficult to escape; thus, early detection is crucial when the victim still has significant room for action. Here, we explore the characteristics of emotional blackmail in relationships.
What is Emotional Blackmail?
Emotional blackmail is defined as a psychological manipulation strategy designed to instill an unfounded sense of guilt in a victim, compelling them to comply with the blackmailer’s desires by making them believe they can prevent the situation from worsening. According to Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail, it is “a powerful weapon of manipulation with which people close to us threaten, directly or indirectly, to punish us if they don’t get what they want.”
Causes of Emotional Blackmail
Various factors can lead an individual to become an emotional blackmailer. For instance, low self-esteem might drive someone to constantly seek validation of their partner’s love, provoking demonstrations that the other person won’t leave them.
Individuals with narcissistic traits or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) may also engage in continuous emotional blackmail with family, friends, and partners as a way to reinforce and consolidate their personality.
A victim’s fear of abandonment also allows the blackmailer to adopt a position of power, often resembling emotional dependency. Conversely, individuals who were victims of emotional blackmail from an early age, or those who were “spoiled” and “overprotected,” are more prone to developing a manipulative personality. These individuals often have a low tolerance for frustration and are accustomed to getting what they want, which can significantly impact their interpersonal relationships.
Strategies of an Emotional Blackmailer
An emotional blackmailer employs various strategies to achieve their objectives. Leveraging the power they perceive to hold over another person, the blackmailer “flips the script” and exploits the victim’s vulnerability through several psychological tactics:
Self-Punishment
The blackmailer uses phrases like “If you leave me, life isn’t worth living.” This tactic induces guilt, obligating the victim to continuously uphold the relationship’s foundations without questioning them.
Punishment
Threatening language is common, such as “If you do that, don’t blame me if I leave you.” This makes the other person feel constantly bound by “correct” behavioral patterns, thereby restricting their freedom and personal expression. This is one of the less subtle forms of emotional blackmail and, consequently, not as insidious, as the manipulation is relatively clear. However, in contexts of prolonged abuse, a deeply invested victim might not recognize these as threats.
Silence
The emotional blackmailer creates a negative relationship atmosphere by expressing anger through silence. This causes the victim to believe the “bad mood” is their fault, further enhancing guilt. This method is particularly potent because it leverages passivity, leading the victim to obsess over the situation due to confusion and a lack of understanding.
Victimhood
Playing the victim is another tactic. An example might be, “If you go out with your friends, I’ll be all alone and bored.”
Promises
Blackmailers are also adept at making promises they never keep, such as “If you give me another chance, I’ll prove I can change.” This type of behavior is a significant red flag, often seen in cycles of domestic violence.
Guilt
Making the partner feel guilty for the blackmailer’s own misconduct is a widely used strategy. Examples include: “I’m aggressive because you provoke me” or “I was unfaithful because you don’t give me enough.” This is another warning sign that psychological abuse may be occurring.
Protecting Yourself from Emotional Blackmail
Recognizing emotional blackmail is often challenging. The emotional toll can be severe, including the fear of losing a loved one or feeling ashamed and guilty for being manipulated. Blackmailers are skillful manipulators who may appear (or claim) to be deeply in love or justify their behavior in countless ways, but the consequences for the victim’s well-being can be profoundly negative. Importantly, a blackmailer isn’t necessarily a malicious person; their emotional instability might drive their actions. Therefore, it’s crucial to assess each situation calmly and clearly, yet with firmness when decisions need to be made.
Since emotional blackmail involves two parties, and changing the blackmailer’s behavior isn’t always possible, the victim can work on themselves to break free from the manipulation. Developing emotional intelligence, boosting self-esteem, or practicing Mindfulness are valuable tools that empower victims to regain control over their lives.
Severe or Potentially Severe Cases of Emotional Blackmail
In severe cases of emotional blackmail, the affected individual may require professional psychological help to overcome the situation and heal from the emotional wounds. Engaging with friends and family, alongside seeking a psychology specialist, is vital for recovering emotional well-being after enduring prolonged emotional blackmail.