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The Role of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Helping Couples

By Sarah Adams

Navigating disagreements in relationships often leads to internal struggles like “I’ll just let it go to avoid a fight” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” While intended to keep the peace, silence and evasion rarely resolve underlying issues. This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a powerful framework for couples, encouraging conscious responses rather than automatic reactions to difficult emotions.

What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)?

While cognitive-behavioral therapy or psychoanalysis might be familiar, ACT is a contemporary “third-wave” behavioral therapy developed in the United States during the 1980s and 90s. Unlike earlier approaches focused on eliminating emotional symptoms, ACT centers on accepting what we feel without struggling against it, and then acting in alignment with our personal values. Its name, Acceptance and Commitment, directly reflects this core philosophy.

Rooted in functional contextualism, ACT emphasizes how we relate to our thoughts and feelings, rather than their content. Instead of trying to suppress uncomfortable emotions, it proposes making space for them and choosing how to respond deliberately. ACT integrates six core processes:

  • Acceptance: Opening up and making room for painful feelings, urges, and sensations.
  • Cognitive Defusion: Learning to observe thoughts and feelings without getting entangled or ruled by them.
  • Being Present: Connecting fully with the current moment, here and now, with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
  • Self-as-Context: Experiencing a continuous sense of self, a perspective from which one can observe one’s thoughts and feelings.
  • Values: Discovering what is most important to us in life.
  • Committed Action: Taking effective action guided by values, even in the presence of discomfort.

The overarching goal of ACT is to enhance psychological flexibility, enabling individuals to adapt to situations without becoming emotionally rigid or blocked.

How is ACT Applied in Couples Therapy?

Couples often find themselves in recurring conflicts not due to a single issue, but because of how each partner reacts to, interprets, or avoids certain emotions. ACT provides significant insights into these patterns. In an ACT-based couples therapy setting, the focus isn’t on determining who is “right” or who needs to “change.” Instead, it aims to help each individual clearly observe their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, then decide if these responses align with what they truly value in their relationship.

For instance, a partner might avoid expressing feelings out of fear of conflict, believing this protects the relationship. However, this often leads to emotional distance and resentment. ACT helps identify such patterns and challenges them, emphasizing the importance of accepting one’s own feelings (fear, anger, sadness) without letting them entirely dictate actions. Therapy also extensively explores shared values. What kind of relationship do they aspire to build? What is important to each person, and to them as a couple? This ensures decisions are made from a place of core values, rather than momentary anger or frustration.

Mindfulness or present moment awareness is another critical component. Sessions often include exercises to help partners be more present in their interactions, less caught up in mental judgments. This enhances listening, empathy, and communication, leading to more authentic and less reactive relationships.

Improving Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT offers practical tools for couples seeking to foster healthier interactions:

1. Embrace Your Emotions

When feelings like anger or sadness arise, our first instinct is often to push them away. However, attempting to control or eliminate emotions typically increases distress. Instead, try to acknowledge what you’re experiencing without judgment. You might think, “I’m feeling angry, and that’s okay. I don’t have to act on it right now.”

2. Detach from Unhelpful Thoughts

Many couple disputes are fueled by thoughts such as “If they really loved me, they wouldn’t do that” or “I already know how they’ll react.” ACT teaches you to observe these thoughts as mere words passing through your mind, not absolute truths. By taking them less literally, you can respond more freely and less automatically.

3. Clarify Your Relationship Values

Take time to reflect: What is most important to you in a relationship? What kind of partner do you want to be? Beyond simply wanting “to be happy,” identify core values like respect, care, honesty, or patience. Then, regularly assess if your actions are moving in the direction of these values.

4. Practice Mindful Listening

Being present means listening without simultaneously planning your response. When you practice mindfulness, you engage with your partner’s words fully, with your mind and body. This reduces misunderstandings and fosters more genuine communication.

5. Shift from “Win/Lose” to “Collaborate”

Debating to determine who is “right” or “wins” is emotionally draining. ACT promotes the opposite: seeing your partner not as an opponent, but as a teammate. The focus shifts to how you can move forward together. If your connection holds value, giving space isn’t about surrendering; it’s about prioritizing what truly matters. When a partner chooses an action out of commitment to the relationship, they aren’t losing anything; they are actively building something stronger together.

6. Re-evaluate Internal Narratives

Sometimes, we perpetuate stories about our relationships for years, like “They always abandon me” or “They never care about my feelings.” ACT calls this “fusion with personal stories.” It’s helpful to ask yourself: Does continuing to believe this serve me? If not, you can choose to release that narrative and act differently, even if the underlying emotion persists.

7. Take Value-Driven Action

Waiting until you “feel better” to act with kindness, tenderness, or respect can leave you feeling stuck. ACT proposes taking small actions aligned with your values, even if you don’t fully feel like it at the moment. This isn’t about faking emotions; it’s about choosing to move towards what matters to you, rather than staying trapped by what hurts.