Having a job that feeds us, enjoying acceptable health, or our loved ones being perfectly well are undoubtedly three of the most common concerns that most people worry about. Now, once these fears are allayed, it is the issues of the heart that bring us to our heads. To want and to be loved is fundamental for a full life, and if we maintain this state of grace in time, it acquires the category of a “miracle”. We would like to keep the flame burning forever, but that is not always possible. Even so, the question of whether love will last is one that is never missing in the mind of the lover.
According to the professor of psychology at the University of Monmouth (USA) Gary Lewandowski told the newspaper The Independent, the question that is most frequently asked in your query relates to how can we know if we have a right relationship -read yourself healthy, solid and with signs of lengthening in time. Aware of the concern raised by this matter, the expert decided to create a list of questions in order to resolve this shared doubt.
Your questionnaire is designed so that everyone can discover for themselves whether their relationship benefits their emotional well-being: if the lover answers all the questions in the affirmative, the result of the test determines that it is worth taking care of their relationship. On the contrary, each of the no’s would give a glimpse of a dubious relationship. where probably the best option would be for each member to follow different paths.
The list of questions proposed by Lewandowski generates diverse analyses among the experts, who on the one hand recognize the usefulness of some of them while, on the other, flatly reject the rest. The bottom line, however, is not bad for this test: there are 10 questions that can help predict whether a relationship will last. To answer yes to these questions is a sign of the longevity of the love.
Do you consider your partner to be your best friend?
In this case, the clinical psychologist and sexologist at the clinic Serrate & Ribal Urology Institute Carme Sánchez agrees with Lewandowski on the importance of being a friend of the loved one. Now, he also draws a red line. “Your partner may be your best friend, but he must never be your only friend.” underlines.
You think you’re sexually compatible with your partner?
Lewandowski points out that another of the requirements for giving credibility to a relationship is that it be satisfactory from the point of view of sexual relations. In the event that the answer to this question is negative… one cannot speak of a healthy relationship, and most likely already doomed to failure.
Are you and your partner emotionally stable?
A priori, an affirmative answer to this question would mean that “in the event of a conflict, it would be simpler to resolve it in a civilized manner, since the couple would have the necessary tools to reach agreements without escalating power and without aggravating the situation,” says the sexologist, and that is good. Sanchez says a yes would favour a healthier couple relationship.
You think his partner makes you a better person?
For María Campo Ruano, psychologist at the Sanitas La Zarzuela University HospitalIn Madrid, this is one of the most relevant questions in Lewandowski’s questionnaire. “Finding a partner who favors the expression of the best of ourselves is a fundamental requirement if we are talking about healthy relationships, says the expert. One point in favor of the relationship.
Do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your partner?
“The trust with the other is built little by little, and to a great extent this happens thanks to the fact that we share our feelings. There are people who have difficulty doing this and feel uncomfortable talking about it. emotions. If this type of communication is not fostered, the relationship becomes superficial and it is likely that the two people will end up distancing themselves,” says Campo Ruano. Like Lewandowski, the psychologist believes that a climate of trust in the couple is essential. However, if it does not exist, the expert advises understanding and acceptance in order to create it. After all, a couple’s future health depends on the work that has been put into it today.
Do you accept your partner as he is?
Campo Ruano is also aligned with Lewandowski on this issue, albeit with nuances. For the expert. a relationship “should willingly take on the shortcomings of our partner, to achieve total acceptance of all the other’s behaviors is extremely difficult, if not impossible. For love to last, one must assume that perfection does not exist.
Can you argue with respect, without getting to the insults?
“An essential tool for dealing with the day-to-day tensions and difficulties that arise over time is respect,” Campo Ruano points out. This means that an affirmative answer to this question is essential to enjoy a solid relationship. And it is that knowing how to argue, “a good communication, based on the expression of emotions without attacking the other, promotes the joint search for solutions and the union of the couple in times of crisis.
Do you think more of us than yourself?
Answer yes to this question would be proof that you have a good relationship. Lewandowski and Josu Ahedo, director of the Master’s in Family Educational Guidance at the University of California, believe so. International University of La Rioja who assures that “thinking in the key of “we” prioritizes the bond and union in the couple”.
Do you have a good opinion of your partner?
Ahedo considers this to be one of the fundamental factors involved in the durability of a relationship. Now, the expert clarifies that for the configuration of an integral image of the other his intelligence, attitude and personality must be taken into account.
Do you share with your partner the same values about religion, politics, marriage, the desire to have children, or how to raise them?
Although this aspect is quite important, there is an important nuance, according to the expert: “Sharing essential values is something that will facilitate coexistence. However, to love the couple in an exclusive and total way is more than to live together”.
Don’t look for jealousy or what other people think about.
Not all of Lewandowski’s questions are screened by the experts consulted to write this article. Five of the questions are not useful for assessing the longevity of a relationship, and there are even some oriented towards potentially harmful attitudes.
Do you think you should give your social network password to your partner, and know his?
If the answer is yes, for Carme Sánchez, clinical psychologist and sexologist of the clinic Instituto de Urología Serrate & Ribal, is that your relationship, far from being perfect, may have fallen into the false belief that we must entrust everything to the couple for the relationship to work. In the opinion of the sexologist, this is not healthy.
Is there any jealousy in your relationship?
For the author of the ambitious questionnaire, this controlling feeling is the guarantee that love is firm and, therefore, your relationship has a future. For the sexologist, this assumption embodies one of the most deeply rooted myths in society: “If there is no jealousy, there is no love. According to the expert, jealousy introduces pain and discomfort into the couple, which leads to a toxic relationship.
Do you match your partner’s needs to your own?
In Sanchez’s opinion, the fact that Lewandowski prioritizes other people’s desires in the field of love only encourages another of the fallacies of love. In it, “total surrender and absolute renunciation are demanded under the justification that this feeling can do anything.” It is not advisable outside the plots of romantic novels.
Do you share 50% of the decision-making?
While Lewandowski believes this should be the case, the psychologist at the Hospital Universitario Sanitas La Zarzuela María Campo Ruano does not believe that the distribution of power should be equitable in order to qualify a “good”. linkage as correct. In fact, according to the expert, “couples often take on complementary roles. If one of the two tends to be more authoritarian, the other tends to get carried away. On the other hand, if we take this situation to the extreme, there could be situations of abuse and submission. The nitty-gritty of the question, therefore, would not be that the decisions were shared 50%, but that both were taken into account and feel that they are protagonists in the first person of everything that happens.
Do your friends think your relationship is ideal?
Don’t waste time thinking about this idea. Josu Ahedo, director of the Master’s in Family Educational Guidance at the International University of La Rioja, would dismiss this question because “there is no unanimous agreement on the characteristics that a model relationship should have.” It would therefore be wrong to entrust the durability of our relationship to the perception our family, friends or co-workers have of it.