You don’t have to spend your life wanting to please everyone… But , also, you can’t just only interact with the people you like, these tips can help you strengthen your communication.
There are times in our lives, when we simply do not wish to think about a specific person anymore. We simply are so much consumed with hate that we would like to forget a person forever. Hate can be defined as a feeling of intense hostility towards a person arising out of fear, anger or sense of injury.
Why do we hate?
We develop a sense of hatred due to any of the below factors:
- Fear- One of the most common feelings that give birth to hate is the fear. Fear can be due anything. We may fear someone, because that person is physically stronger than us, or mentally more capable than us or may be financially more secure than us. Hence the constant feeling that the other will outwit and outperform us, generates fear and the fact that we cannot do anything more to improve the situation give rise to hate.
- Anger- Anger is something which also gives rise to hate. We get angry when people instigate us or try to make fun of our shortcomings etc. Hence when we suffer this on a day to day basis, it develops a sense of dislike towards a person who gives us such treatment. This strong dislike ultimately results into hate.
- Injury– Injury can be physical, emotional or financial. Any time of injury results in pain, the physical ones heal with time but the mental one’s take time to heal. Injury can result into hate, when we are convinced that we are deliberately being pushed into the predicament and it’s giving immense pleasure to the person who is doing it.
So, how do we deal with the people we hate?
Hating someone does not solve your problems, but only makes them worse. A lot of mental energy is wasted on it and as such your concentration gets affected. Thus your ability to perform task gets reduced and your mistakes increase. Ultimately you are one who is at loss. Below are a few points on how to deal with people you hate:
- This first step is to identify, if there is a valid reason behind you hating a person. Most problems are solved in this step itself, when you understand that your hatred for a person is not derived by any logic but is more a spur of a moment thing.
- Now if you believe that there is logic behind your hatred, then it’s time to analyze the traits of the person that might be responsible for you to hate him/her. If the person is boastful, arrogant or may be likes to flaunt his/ her material possessions etc, then the best thing you can do is to ignore this. Ignorance is an effective tool in such situations and once the person understand that no matter whatever he/she does it has no impact on you, these things would stop and so will your hatred.
- Ignorance does not always help, but speak up does. Hence you can always highlight significant behavioral issues, like aggression, intimidation , humiliation etc. This will help to keep a check on such behavior and reduce your hatred.
- Try to practice compassion. This is a mental technique that tries that instead of being trapped by vengeful thoughts and resentment, you send compassion to your enemies or antagonists; maybe they are who they are because one of their parents is very sick, they are getting divorced or they had a childhood with lack of affection.
- Don’t make it personal. Sometimes we dislike an individual for how he makes us feel about ourselves. We feel lowered, judged, insufficient or insulted. It’s normal for someone not to like us or for others to dislike us, but how about separating the way others judge from the way we think about ourselves? What if you are able to see that some people’s anger and criticism has nothing to do with you but with themselves? The haters always find something to hate, and there will be times when you don’t like someone because of who you are but because of what they have become.
How to deal with someone who hates you
In practice it is often quite difficult to “manage” or control others, except in cases of dominant position by hierarchy, authority, or that their conduct is unlawful.
It is much easier and pragmatic to try to manage oneself.
We cannot prevent other people from hating us, insulting us, or hindering us. We can just “ask” them not to. And they decide their behavior.
So let’s take both circumstances for granted:
- We cannot handle others according to our desires (unless they commit a criminal offense, a crime).
- They will continue to hate and block us.
We are left with our own sphere of action: internal and external.
To work cognitively and emotionally to distance ourselves from our own ego, the one that feels so bad when they hate it.
To know that other people’s words are only words, and that other people’s feelings (hatred) are that, “other people’s” like storms on the other side of the planet.
Only the actions of physical harm and criminal verbal actions are those that we can “handle” from support in laws, judges, police.
The behaviors of others … the unpleasant, foul, rude, annoying, unfair, cheating, disgusting, it is up to us to learn to live with them, learn to work our resistance, our heart and sensitivity, to provide us with ever greater indifference to what others say; We have to build our own raincoat so that its spittle is like inert rain that finally falls into the sewer.
Our work is NOT with others, that’s like trying to push a river with your hands. Our work is with ourselves, learning to float in that river, not to offer resistance ( inner ), to flow, to leave the other alone, with their words and their hatred, while we do our lives, our things.
It is simple… but not easy. It is a path of personal growth, resilience, courage, dignity, self-respect. If you respect yourself, you don’t need the respect of others at all. He can ask for it, because it is more pleasant to live with him, we are social beings, but if they don’t want to give it to you, that is HIS/HER/THEIR problem, not yours. You go on your way, even if sometimes it gets muddy…
]For most people, the ideal would be to interact only with people we like, something that is neither realistic nor a very mature posture. This belief can increase political polarization or “tribalism” in our society and is completely impractical. Try to put these tips into practice, and don’t spend your life wanting to please everyone.